Catherine Brinkman firstname.lastname@example.org
Satire Letter to CEO of Disney from the late Carrie Fisher
Over the Rainbow
Dear Mr. Iger,
How are you doing you son of a bitch?
As you know I’m dead. Dead and pissed. I thought I wouldn’t be pissed off up here but a former press agent of Debbie’s told her up here that I was only insured for $50 Million. Of course Debbie told me. And now I’m telling you, that’s bullshit.
What the fuck, Iger? Thanks for the vote of confidence. I signed away my likeness to Lucas 40 years ago. Looks like he is a better business name than you. Lucas made millions off my likeness alone!
There needed to be at least one 1 before that $50 million Iger!
I lost weight, stayed sober, and made sure my crazy meds were right when I went back to work for the franchise. Those three things at the same time equate to me slipping up at a higher rate than normal. Pun intended. Shit, even dead I’m funny.
Here is why I am worth $150 million in keyman insurance:
All the original fans from the 1970s-1980s are older. The merchandising potential alone is endless. Denture toothpaste from my head instead of Pez or shampoo. Anti-wrinkle cream “Saving Your Skin Once Again” by Princess Leia.
Disney is clearly expanding their market share. I mean you bought the rights to the Star Wars for $4 billion.
We could have gone big in the pharmacology area, Iger. Fans are suffering from erectile dysfunction. I feel like it’s my God given duty to help these old bastards that helped themselves to the photos of me in the metal bikini. “Feeling a Little Limp- Try Vitamin L. You’ll be able to give her the force in minutes.”
Let’s address osteoporosis. I was already short so this would be a personal goal. “Stay taller than an Ewok, try Endor. You’ll be as tall as a redwood tree in no time.”
And here is the real kicker, Iger: I’m the face of the resistance of Donald Trump. Can you imagine if I were still alive the money we could have made off that? An entire generation of little girls new to Princess Leia.
I am sure your blood pressure is elevated now, so I’m going to wrap this up. (“Leia’s High Protein-Low Calorie Buns: They’ll help you lose a ton.” That’s my last one I promise.)
I’m pissed you didn’t see the value in me, Carrie. Fuck Leia. Iger, without me there is no Leia. Remember, like in “Rogue One” I always get the last word and I’ll be waiting for you.
May the force be with you, Carrie
PS- Please don’t add coffins and urns to the Star Wars Merchandise line.