Satire Letter to CEO of Disney from the late Carrie Fisher

Catherine Brinkman


Satire Letter to CEO of Disney from the late Carrie Fisher


Over the Rainbow

Dear Mr. Iger,

How are you doing you son of a bitch?

As you know I’m dead. Dead and pissed. I thought I wouldn’t be pissed off up here but a former press agent of Debbie’s told her up here that I was only insured for $50 Million. Of course Debbie told me. And now I’m telling you, that’s bullshit.

What the fuck, Iger? Thanks for the vote of confidence. I signed away my likeness to Lucas 40 years ago. Looks like he is a better business name than you. Lucas made millions off my likeness alone!

There needed to be at least one 1 before that $50 million Iger!

I lost weight, stayed sober, and made sure my crazy meds were right when I went back to work for the franchise. Those three things at the same time equate to me slipping up at a higher rate than normal. Pun intended. Shit, even dead I’m funny.

Here is why I am worth $150 million in keyman insurance:

All the original fans from the 1970s-1980s are older. The merchandising potential alone is endless. Denture toothpaste from my head instead of Pez or shampoo. Anti-wrinkle cream “Saving Your Skin Once Again” by Princess Leia.

Disney is clearly expanding their market share. I mean you bought the rights to the Star Wars for $4 billion.

We could have gone big in the pharmacology area, Iger. Fans are suffering from erectile dysfunction. I feel like it’s my God given duty to help these old bastards that helped themselves to the photos of me in the metal bikini. “Feeling a Little Limp- Try Vitamin L. You’ll be able to give her the force in minutes.”

Let’s address osteoporosis. I was already short so this would be a personal goal. “Stay taller than an Ewok, try Endor. You’ll be as tall as a redwood tree in no time.”

And here is the real kicker, Iger: I’m the face of the resistance of Donald Trump. Can you imagine if I were still alive the money we could have made off that? An entire generation of little girls new to Princess Leia.

I am sure your blood pressure is elevated now, so I’m going to wrap this up. (“Leia’s High Protein-Low Calorie Buns: They’ll help you lose a ton.” That’s my last one I promise.)

I’m pissed you didn’t see the value in me, Carrie. Fuck Leia. Iger, without me there is no Leia. Remember, like in “Rogue One” I always get the last word and I’ll be waiting for you.

May the force be with you, Carrie

PS- Please don’t add coffins and urns to the Star Wars Merchandise line.